I wanted to write about something different today, it’s been on my mind for a while now and i just had a feeling that writing this today may help others who are a similar position also.
I actually wrote a post similar to this way back when I began my blog around 2016. It’s something completely different to anything I’ve written about (illness wise) before! Obviously, every three months I share a health update with you all, in which I write about my appointments I’ve had and share with you any news/diagnosis I’ve received. I do tend to share a lot within those posts, but I’ve never truly gone in-depth about my illnesses (as some things are better left private).
So, I wanted to go in-depth today and share with you the reality of what it’s like to have a chronic illness on a daily basis. Now, I want to warn you – this may get a little dark and uncomfortable at times but this is something I feel I need to release from my brain. So let’s get into it;
Anxiety! Anxiety is one of my many battles. Before becoming ill, I was a very outgoing, confident girl who loved being surrounded by my friends, having sleepovers and meeting in town for a McDonalds! But now, I’m a 20 year old whose lost all confidence in myself and overthinks every outing, bus ride etc. I spend the majority of my nights crippled with anxiety over upcoming appointments and anything that my mind decides it doesn’t like the sound of. Some days, I wake up and I feel sick to my stomach (my bowel condition don’t help much either) and I have no idea why. Since spending the last 6years confined to the same four walls, i get anxious about going out. ‘ What if my illnesses flare?’ ‘Is there going to be buggies on the bus?’ ‘Will someone be rude to me today?’ and the list of questions continues on… its a horrible illness, which many suffer with silently and that’s something that should change! For many years, I never wanted to admit to myself that i had anxiety, as I’ve always pushed through it regardless of the worrying I’ve done. Therefore, I couldn’t have anxiety, right? This couldn’t be further from the truth. Yes, I motivate myself to do what has had me up all night worrying but that doesn’t take away the fact inside I feel the way I do.
Grieving! I can imagine many people reading this will be confused by the word ‘grieving’. Yet, it’s something everyone who has a life long chronic illness can understand. I grieve everyday for my ‘old life’. I grieve everyday for the person I use to be as it’s certainly not the same person I am today. As I mentioned above, I was a young girl who had no care in the world – I spent every weekend having sleepovers with my best friends and spent my weekday afternoons down at the courts. Then, in a blink of an eye, my whole life changed. I wasn’t able to go out like I did anymore. I wasn’t able to see my friends everyday which resulted in loosing the majority of my ‘friends’ as i became housebound and ‘boring’ to them. I felt and still feel like the old me moved on and the new me is struggling to find herself. Grieving isn’t just about the loss of a loved one, it’s also about losing yourself and grieving for that person you once was.
Pain! The pain that comes alongside my chronic illnesses, is something I could never explain. burning sensations, sharp pains, the feeling of someone smashing your head against a brick wall, cramps and the list goes on.. and on.. and ON! As soon as you experience pain, you go to your local Dr’s in hope of a medicine that’ll take your pain away, right? Yet with chronic illnesses/pain it isn’t like that. I’ve had to become ‘use’ to the pains I deal with everyday as pain relief doesn’t even touch the sides. I’m on many pain killers, including fentanyl & morphine yet I spend my days and nights in crippling pain. Pain that I can’t even go to the hospital for as it’s something I just have to ‘deal with’. I have to deal with the pain I’m in which instantly becomes a lonely place. You feel as though no one truly understands you, your pain or your needs. It’s a real dark place at times and it’s something I’ll continue to raise awareness about as it’s far from fair. No child, teenager or adult should have to ‘get on with it’!
I don’t want to ramble on to much as this would become a very long blogpost BUT if you liked today’s blog, then I’ll make sure to do another one of these posts in the near future.
I tend to look at my blog as a diary, it’s a place to express my thoughts, my creativity and my main hobbies. So, writing this today, is something I felt needed to be done. If I help at least one person whose reading this blog today OR someone whose going through the same can relate, then I’ll be happy.
If you are in similar position, please don’t hesitate to message me! my messages are always open to those who need someone to talk to, to listen or to ramble to – I’m your girl!
Sending tons of love & hugs as always,