I want to start by apologising. I know many of you read my posts and come to my blog for updates, recipes and everything inbetween. I pride myself on the fact my blog is such a positive place, even when I’m sharing news on my health which isn’t always that great. I’ve had so many compliments about how my blog has brought you guys happiness and I can’t tell you how happy that makes me feel.
Therefore, taking a long break like i have actually breaks my heart. Writing is an escape for me. I’m able to focus on something other than the symptoms and pain I’m suffering from. So the fact I’ve seriously lacked in the content department… That’s when you know things aren’t brilliant!
I know everyone says how bad 2020 has been for them what with everything going on in the world right now, but honestly, my 2020 has been hard. Real hard. It’s been one thing after another and still 8 months on, it’s throwing hurdles my way.
That being said, the last 6 weeks in particular have been the hardest in a long time. I’ve been REALLY struggling physically with my illnesses which in turn has had a massive effect on my mental health.
I’ve been open in saying that I’ve struggled with depression in the past but I’ve never gone into full detail about it all. some people are amazingly open with their mental health journeys but me… I’ve never felt comfortable enough to do so. I’ve always been so scared that people will judge me for the way I’m feeling so I’ve only ever told a handful of people.
Around 3 years ago, I started counselling for my depression and wow, it made the world of difference. Since finishing my sessions, I’ve been pretty great mentally. I saw such a difference in myself and yes I had my down days but I was always able to pull myself back together and continue on.
Now I’ve tried to stay as positive as possible throughout 2020 but man, the last 6 weeks in particular have swallowed me up. Mentally, I’ve not felt myself and I’m willing to admit that whereas before, I’d never have done. I noticed the difference within myself before anyone else did.
Why the last 6 weeks you ask? Well let’s just say, it’s been a rollercoaster. The last 7 years of my journey have been tough, I’ve had the lowest of lows along the way but for some reason, I feel like the last 6 weeks have just felt the hardest for a long time.
What started as a cough then developed into a serious chest infection landing me on the COVID ward up at A&E (as you can imagine that scared me massively). Once I’d started treatment for the chest infection and it had began to clear up, i got awful vertigo and wasn’t able to move for days so I also started a new treatment for that. I then got a urine infection which landed me back on antibiotics. After a few days my bladder decided it was going to go into overdrive and I lost all elasticity (muscles weakened) and I’ve had to have a catheter placed. What comes alongside a catheter? infections! Blooming infections which cause horrific spasms, hefty blood clots and a fair amount of pain. Then to top all of this off, I had my GP surgery ring and tell me something has come up in my urine and blood samples which is a new diagnosis to add to the existing list and I’ve got to have more tests and be referred urgently to a new team who will hopefully work out why this is happening (I don’t want to share what the diagnosis is just yet, I want to wait till I’ve got all the information and test results).
I know to some people reading this you’ll probably ask yourselves why that would be ‘hard’ for me, especially with all the things I’ve been through BUT my illnesses are already ripping my body to pieces let alone having all this to deal with aswell.
I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I’m fed up.
I’m a 21 year old girl who is crippled in pain and is constantly having new symptoms arise which need medical intervention. This shouldn’t be my life. I should be out with my besties, living my youth and regretting every decision I make… instead I’m dealing with deliberating chronic illnesses.
People say ‘everything happens for a reason’ and to a certain extent I agree with that but I do NOT believe that people are dealt the illness card for a reason. I just don’t. I believe in the saying ‘god gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers’ because believe me, you’ve got to be one strong person to deal with a chronic illness. Wether that be cancer or arthritis. Dealing with a chronic illness is hard man, harder than you’d ever believe.
Do you want to know what the most tiring part of a chronic illness is? it’s the worrying. Worrying about test results, a new symptom arising, a illness worsening, a hospital appointment, every night not knowing how you’ll feel when you wake up, not knowing how the day is going to go, having to cancel plans etc, it’s exhausting. You’d think after 7 years the worrying would ease but believe me when I say, it doesn’t. If anything my anxiety and worrying has worsened as times gone on.
The last few weeks all I’ve done is worry and that’s put a huge strain on my mental health and my mood. I’ve watched my health deteriorate at an aggressive rate and it’s difficult watching your body fight against itself time and time again. No one should have to go through this pain. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I’m not looking for sympathy or want attention by posting this, I just want you to be aware that just because someone is smiling on the outside, doesn’t mean their not fighting something on the inside. That goes for physical and mental illness. I know for a fact I’ll pull myself out of the rut I’m currently in and in time I’ll start to feel myself again, I always do but I wanted to share my feelings with you, just so you know I’m not being lazy by not posting – I just haven’t felt right the last few weeks.
I think I’ve just word vomited everywhere up above but I just wanted to get a few things off my chest.
Thank you so much for your continued support and words of encouragement through my toughest days, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate having you all by my side.
Sending you all tons of love & hugs as always,